I had a disturbing exchange with a high school-aged person today that prompted this…
Beer, wine, mead, and cider are fermented beverages.
Mead is made from honey.
Cider is made from apples.
Beer is made from grains.
Beer tastes like beer because they flavor it with hops.
They used to flavor beer with dandelions.
Ain’t that cute?
All beer is either ale or lager.
Ale is fermented at room temperature.
Lager is brewed and store cold.
Barleywine, bitter, porter, and stout are ales.
Pilsner and bock are lagers.
Most of the crap people drink in America is pale lager.
Mosft of the crap people drink in Ireland is dry stout.
Butterbeer isn’t real.
(Except actually I think it is, and I heard it tastes like cream soda)
Miruvor isn’t real, either, but it probably would taste like squash.
Ent-draught isn’t real, either, but shit, it would be awesome if it were.
Wine is made from fermented fruit juice, usually grapes.
Red wine is made from red grapes.
White wine is made from green grapes.
The name of the grape is the name of the wine (Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot are all varieties of grape)
Unless you live in France.
In which case, the name of the place supersedes the name of the grape.
(for example: Burgundies are made in Burgundy, France, but Burgundy wine can be Pinot Noir or Chardonnay)
Champagne is any sparkling white wine.
However, Champagne can also be wine that comes from Champagne, France.
Drink red wine with beef. Drink white wine with fish.
Act like it tastes good.
Keep a Diet Coke in your bag for later.
You’ll be fine.
Brandy is distilled wine.
Cognac is brandy aged in oak barrels.
Don’t fuck around with the French about their cognac.
Fortified wine is wine with added alcohol.
Sherry is fortified white wine made in Spain.
Port is fortified red wine made in Portugal.
Vermouth is fortified white wine plus grape spirits.
Sweet vermouth has added sugar.
Dry vermouth has added spices like nutmeg.
Liquors are distilled spirits that contain ethanol.
Liqueurs are liquors that have sugar and flavors added.
Liquors can be made from grains, fruits, or vegetables.
Grain alcohol is liquor made from grains. Duh.
Gin, Vodka, and Whisky are grain alcohols.
Vodka is grain alcohol and water.
Be careful with vodka. Homemade vodka is poisonous.
Gin is (basically vodka) flavored with juniper berries.
Absinthe is (basically gin) flavored with anise.
Whisky is grain alcohol aged in wood barrels.
Malt whisky is made from barley.
Grain whisky is made from all the other grains.
Scotch is whisky made in Scotland.
Bourbon is Kentucky whisky mostly made from corn.
Don’t fuck around with the Scottish.
Don’t fuck around with people from Kentucky, either.
Tequila is liquor made from the blue agave plant.
Rum is liquor made from sugarcane.
Schnapps is liquor made from fruit “must” (smashed fruit that still contains seeds and skins).
American schnapps is grain alcohol mixed with fruit flavors and sugar syrup.
Drink apple schnapps only while playing Tekken 2.
Sake is rice wine that’s brewed like beer. Or something.
Avoid these cocktails: Grog, Long Island Iced Tea, Manhattan, Dark and Stormy, Jack and Coke, Piña Colada, Scorpion. They contain huge amounts of alcohol and/or a huge number of calories. That Long Island Ice Tea is the worst motherfucker of the bunch. Just avoid them. Have a lemon drop martini instead.
Don’t drink on an empty stomach or you’ll puke.
Don’t drink too fast or you’ll puke.
Avoid Long Island Iced Teas. Like I said.
Don’t drink and drive because you might kill my Mom. You fuckers.
If your friend has had too much to drink and needs to crash, make sure she’s lying on her side so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit.
Don’t leave a drunk friend alone.
Passing out is a sign of being severely goddamn sick. If someone drinks and passes out? They are dying right now. Call 9-1-1.
If you are drunk, don’t drink coffee or caffeine to get sober. Sip cold water and nibble some saltine crackers.
Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t smash my mailbox.
Now you know some stuff. Maybe.
♥
Also, alternate alcoholic drinks with water or Gatorade. Do that and you’ll practically never have a hangover. If you’ve got a friend who’s had too much and is starting to look poorly off, sit them down and start giving them water. It won’t make them less drunk any faster, but it will make them feel better in the morning and it helps their body stop freaking out like it’s dying.
So, I learned something new! Genre fiction is different from literary fiction. Here’s what our favorite reliable source, Wikipedia, says about genre fiction:
This is going to be the first of many posts about foreshadowing. It’s soo important in a good story. To give the audience a hint and then have it pay off later.
A writer’s job isn’t just about telling a story.It’s more complicated than simple storytelling, because there are so many devices available to help writers improve and enrich their writing. One very useful tool available to writers is the art of foreshadowing, or in simple terms, the art of subtle revelation, forewarning and teasing.
It’s surprising how much foreshadowing is overlooked in fiction – we don’t always think about little things like this and we tend to forget the minute intricacies that help bring depth and richness to our stories.
What does foreshadowing do?
Foreshadowing has many functions, from providing subtle hints about characters or situations, clues to events yet to happen, to imparting necessary information, but it also serves to move the story forward and to sometimes deliberately wrong foot the reader.
Foreshadowing more often than not brings an extra dimension to the story, because it means you are hinting at what mightcome, what might happen, what could occur further into the tale.It’s about teasing the reader with snippets of information, by making them privy to what is happening, therefore the reader will know what might happen, but your characters will be oblivious.
This means the reader can look forward to an event that might happen further into the story, or they might even guess the outcome.
Foreshadowing also adds a little tension, anticipation, mood and atmosphere regarding what might happen.It creates that sense of suspense.
You might want to deliberately fool the reader into thinking something will happen, and then the story twists in another direction, but it has to be justifiable and should not leave the reader feeling completely manipulated in a way that they feel dissatisfied or cheated.
One important process is to move the story forward.Foreshadowing does this by allowing the reader to jump into the foreseeable future of the story and guess what might happen, thus teasing them. This allows the story to move forward because of anticipation and guesswork.
Writers can also use foreshadowing as a device for plot development, because if there is a snippet of information or a symbolic tease that is directly associated with the plot, then once again the writer can make the reader privy to a future story development.
Effective foreshadowing is a skill; it has to be subtle and symbolic without giving too much away, or by being too overt.If not done carefully, the foreshadowing might seem too obvious, too contrite or two forced, and might allow the reader to wholly predict the outcome of the story. Hence a story or film or play becomes too ‘predictable’.
Writers rarely like to revise, but revision is a reality of the writing process—and more important than the initial draft. Without revision, you can’t realize the true potential of the story you envisioned, and it will likely never be published. Here are seven self-editing questions to ask as you begin revising your short story or novel:
1. Where does the story really begin? Reread the first two to three pages of your story carefully. Where does the action start? A major fault with many first drafts (mine included!) is too much background material at the beginning, before the conflict is introduced and the characters finally take over the story.
In my case, I can almost bet that my story doesn’t really begin until about halfway down page 3, so out go the first two pages. If the material I have cut is essential for the reader to know, I find ways, through dialogue or my characters’ thoughts, to get the information to the reader later. The late additions are never as long as the original two and a half pages, and the story gains needed speed.
2. Is this adverb necessary? Chances are, if you are using a lot of adverbs, you are telling and not showing. Think about the character that has just won the lottery. Rather than have her yell “joyfully,” why not have her jump up and down screaming so loudly that her cat runs under the bed in terror, and it takes her 20 minutes to get it out? Maybe she runs to her closet and throws all of her old clothes in the garbage while blasting “If I Had a Million Dollars” on her CD player. Both of those pictures show how the character reacts instead of telling, and they are certainly livelier than the word “joyfully.”
3. Is this adjective doing its job? Look for empty adjectives and replace them. Instead of relying on “amazing,” “interesting,” “exciting,” “awful,” “ugly,” “beautiful,” “nice,” “scary” and other similar adjectives, use sensory details that bring to life what you are describing. Find places to get the readers’ senses working; it means you are making the story real for them.
4. Whose problem is it? Your main character has the primary problem at the center of your story, and your main character needs to solve it. Make sure that your protagonist remains the chief actor in the story and doesn’t become solely the reactor to another character’s influence. Sometimes, in longer pieces, characters other than your lead can nab your attention and your imagination; this can be especially true of villains and comic sidekicks. Be careful that these characters don’t become so charming that they threaten to steal the book from your hero or heroine.
5. Are the grammar and spelling perfect? Yes, I mean perfect. Your story will compete with a host of other stories, so don’t blow your chance with poor spelling and grammar. Of course, publishers have editors who will help polish your copy, but you need to show your best work up front.
6. Have I read my story aloud? One of your best proofreading tools is the sound of your own voice. Reading your story aloud is a great way to find awkward or incomplete sentences, clumsy phrasing, and inconsistencies in verb tenses and pronoun agreement. If you hesitate when you are reading, or if you have to reread a sentence or phrase, then you may need to rewrite that part of your story.
7. Have I applied the Stephen King rule? In Stephen King’s On Writing, he shows a before-and-after example of how editing can improve a story. His revision rule is:
2nd Draft = 1st Draft - 10%
We have a tendency, as writers, to believe that every word we write is precious, and we are reluctant to cut our material—after all, we remember how hard it was to get it down on paper. However, editing is about making our prose lean and exciting, and compelling the reader to turn the page. See what you can do with 10 percent fewer words.
Finally, consider revision a reward. Remember that if you are revising, you have finished a project—how neat is that? Try these seven questions to kick-start your editing and begin your pursuit of a great final product.
